PS Love Blog

Thank you, Chuck, for today’s funny.

I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’

He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’

Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’

‘No,’ I replied.

‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like that little shit.

A high school buddy just sent me this one.

Enjoy.

A Trip to Rome

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” said the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and
they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again in came for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman. “Not only were we on time on one of Continental’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky,” said the woman. “As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors one-on-one, and, if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What did he say?”

He said, “Who fucked up your hair?”

I haven’t laughed this hard in a while.

Finally my perverted Uncle sent me something fun to watch.  Although, it should not be funny, I should be crying.

I post this in honor of my computer hating friend Karl, and Not-Swearing-Week in California.

Enjoy:

Don’t mess with Grandpa

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS
office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with
his attorney.

The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that
you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.’

‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How
about a demonstration?’

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’

Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.’

The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw
drops.

Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can
bite my other eye.’

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the
bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The
stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and
pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a
drop anywhere in between.’

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly
manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily , he can’t make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.

‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa
told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over
your desk and that you’d be happy about it!’

Can't take any more Winter

Yeeeeep.

I’m thinking that pretty much covers it.

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup or brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,

check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,

pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter

in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point

it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another

cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup

of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry

it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves

a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain

your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can

find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall

over.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the

Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher. Cherry

Mistmas !

This joke is brought to you by Mike on Myspace.  He’s not wearing a shirt in his  photo, I do not know why….

Anyway, he sent me this joke:

What did Tarzan say to the elephant when he saw him wearing sun glasses?

He didn’t say anything to him. He didn’t recognize him.

Oh, that just cracks me up.

I think I need to get more sleep.

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf ….. Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, “I warned you to be careful! Now we’ll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.”

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke my window?”

“Uh…yeah, sir. We’re sure sorry about that,” the husband replied

“Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you… You see, I’m a genie , and I’ve been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes. I’ll give you each one wish, but if you don’t mind, I’ll keep the last one for myself.”

“Wow, that’s great!” the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, “I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“No problem,” said the genie.. “You’ve got it, it’s the least I can do. And I’ll guarantee you a long, healthy life!” “And now you, young lady, what do you want?” the genie asked.

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,” she said.

“Consider it done,” the genie said. “And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!”

“And now,” the couple asked in unison, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a  woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.”

The husband looked at his wife and said, “Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?”

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, you’re right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind, but what about you, honey?”

“You know I love you sweetheart,” said the husband. I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?”

“Why, we’re both 35,” she responded breathlessly.

” NO SHIT.” He said, “Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?”

Okay, this one I actually wrote myself.  Although, it is such a given than I”m sure a hundred writers have written the same one yesterday.

Ed McMahon is facing losing his home in this mortgage crisis now.  Maybe American Family Publishers will show up on his doorstep with a check.

My Aunt sent me this joke today, haha.

An ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

From Adam from across the pond:

Be careful when you buy them.

Last time they asked me what size I wanted, to which I replied, “Large, of course”

They gave me a box of 500.

This is just too funny to explain.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the publicity seeker Chris Crocker who goes on and on via youtube.com yelling about how everyone should just leave Brittney Spears alone. If you haven’t seen it, you should probably watch that first.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc]

Then see Lewis Black’s version on just leaving Mike Huckabee alone. Warning, you just might bust a gut on this one.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGXdoo3Sxzc]

Lewis Black, host of Comedy Central’s new series Root of All Evil. Series Premiere Wed March 12th @ 10:30/9:30c, only on Comedy Central.

A well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of
Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue (and frequently published author in the
pages of TIKKUN) has brought the following question to our community, and
hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

 Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra
on Shabbat: Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest
one violate the infraction of erecting a structure ('boneh'). Beit Hillel
says do not read it as 'bon eh' but as 'boner,' and permits the ingestion
of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than
one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have
a headache.

 And what bracha/blessing does one say before taking the Viagra pill?

There is a choice of four blessings:

1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim -  bless you God for straightening
those who are bent;
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim - bless you God for raising the
dead.

A little follow up to the above...
Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of
animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif.
But Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz, an American Kashrut expert, says that, as a
medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of
the  week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with
all  other agents causing things to rise.

Seriously,
Click here and it will clean your computer screen.
Really!
Hurry, Do it!
Would I lie??

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLHWmjA5IE&rel=1]

A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a
Chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

“What troubles you, Sister?” asks the Mother Superior. “I thought
This was the day you spent with your family.”

“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my
Brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was
Quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take
It your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” Snorted the Sister. “In fact, I even took
The Lord’s name in vain today!”

“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished.
“You Must tell me all about it!”

“Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster,
Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden
Green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest
Swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along
The line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards
Off the tee!”

“Oh my !” commiserated the Mother. “How unfortunate! But surely
That didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”

“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted Sister. “While I was still trying
To fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
Grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathised Mother.

“But I didn’t, Mother Superior!” sobbed the Sister. “And I was so
Proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign
From God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel
And flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother with a knowing smile.

“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished,
“because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel
Started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the
Green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18
Inches from the cup!”

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a Baleful stare and said…

“You missed the F@#*!~ putt, didn’t you?”